I wish I could punch you in the face.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
