i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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