i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
