Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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