I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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