I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
