Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
my shit smells like andre
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
