I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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