just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
