id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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