my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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