i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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