You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
