I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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