If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
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