Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
