i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
