Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
