Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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