Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
