Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
