I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
