I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
