I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
