new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I have so many feelings about this burrito
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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