Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just had sex on a roof
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
