i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
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I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
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You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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