Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
