I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
