yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
