things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
