Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
