The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
