I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
