If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I wish you could order shots online.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
