can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
