i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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