I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
