Kareoke will never be a sober sport
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
