Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Is it because I queefed?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
