My sheets look like a crime scene.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
