the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
