im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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