Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
