Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
