Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
