I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
