Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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