Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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