where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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