why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
