Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
