we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
