I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
