Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
