Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
